


The Beauty Of Broken Things

by Justafan



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Angst, Depends how I'm feeling, Depression, I might make it happy?, I'm Sorry, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, don't read if dealing with mental health issues bothers you, its also got happy memories?, mentions of self harm, this is sad!, who am I kidding
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-18
Updated: 2018-10-11
Packaged: 2019-03-20 18:25:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13723437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Justafan/pseuds/Justafan
Summary: Neil is fading. He remembers the promise Ichirou had made. What can he do when exy isn't enough? When he isn't enough?





	1. I can't feel home anymore

**Author's Note:**

> I really should be working on my other fic but ha! Look at me, procrastinating once again xx

Neil knew he was fading. He was very aware yet that didn't stop life from falling through his hands. School was rough. He hadn't been telling his teammates his increasing pile of missed homework and overdue assignments, he didn't want to bother them.

talking with the others was becoming increasingly harder. Menial small talk was challenging and he was becoming quieter. He hadn't come to the previous team nights, blaming it on school and exy. He wasn't doing that either.

Though it would have previously pained him to admit it, exy was dull. Kevin saw it as him being lazy, and had started being really tough on him. It was almost the end of the school year and mostly everyone was more focused on studies than winning the friendlies they had now that the seasons over. Not Kevin.

Neil was tired. Neil was bored. Neil felt...empty. The rest of the team were joking about, doing this relatively easy drill with no fuss. Kevin would have been in a good mood if it hadn't been for Neil. Neil was beginning to realise just how much he was burdening his teammates. They had to deal with his recovery, the panic attacks when someone caught him unaware, the spacing out, him. He didn't feel useful anymore.

_("Neil! Neil! Wake up!" "Don't-I can't-please...Matt?" "Hi buddy, you were having a nightmare. Do you want me to get Andrew?" "No I'm fine." "Neil-" "Ok I lied, but I'll be fine, just-can I get a hug?" "Anytime Neil. Anytime." )_

It was a Friday, which meant Columbia. Time with Andrew. But right now he couldn't face Andrew, his “always” yes’ had become “maybe later”’s or “not now”’s. Andrew knew something was wrong but didn't say anything. Neil didn't say anything. Neil thought maybe he was being a burden on Andrew too. Andrew needed help, needed support from someone who was fully there. 

Neil wasn't there. He was fading.

“Neil!” he snapped out of his daze as Kevin’s voice filled the court. 

“I passed you the ball you imbecile, start focusing and start playing!” Neil realised the ball was rolling near his feet, he hadn't even noticed. He didn't care.

“Sorry Kevin, just spaced out a bit there” he said as he picked up the ball ready to resume the drill.

Kevin looked a bit taken aback at being apologized to, which was not a common occurrence when Neil was involved. “Um,” Kevin faltered but readied his racquet once more, “right then, let's play!”

Andrew was watching him, Neil knew. He was stood lazily leaning against the goal, not bothering to participate since Neil’s drill didn't involve shooting on the goal. Andrew’s eyes were heavy on his back and he knew that those observant eyes would definitely pick up his lack of motivation for the game. So Neil did what he does best, faked it until he made it. He threw himself into the game, and though he didn't care much, he made damn sure it looked like he did.

Before he knew it, practise was over and everyone was changed out. He doesn't really remember doing any of it, but then again his grip on time was slowly fading too.

Andrew drove back to the dorms to dump the exy stuff and to get some things before they go to Columbia.

Andrew was waiting outside, smoking as the rest of them get ready. Aaron was calling Katelyn and Kevin was doing whatever Kevin does when not playing exy or drinking. Actually, he was probably getting a headstart on the drinking.  
Nicky was putting on his “gayliner”.

_( why do you always need to wear that Nicky?” “Because if I don't, how will people tell that I'm super duper gay?” “I'm pretty sure it's obvious with you Nicky.” “Thanks I try”)_

Neil walked up to Andrew, refusing the silent offer of a cigarette. He took a deep breath, unsure if he should say it or not.

“If you've hear just to stand and look like a deer caught in headlights, you're wasting your time, I see enough of that anytime someone does something nice for you.” Andrew stared at him. Neil didn't meet his eyes.

“I'm not coming to Columbia tonight.” 

Silence. A drag from a cigarette.

“Fine. Go tell the others we're not going.”

He'd expected that response. “No Andrew, I am not going, you guys should still go. I just need some time. By myself.” He was trying as smoothly as possible to get rid of them. Andrew saw right through it.

But he didn't ask. And Neil didn't tell him.

“Call me if you need me.” Andrew said finally, stubbing out his cigarette and going back to the car.

_(“I need you, Andrew. You mean so much to me.” “Shut up, I hate you” “Stop kissing me then.” “Neil...I need you too.” )_

Neil went in the opposite direction. They were further apart. Shouldn't that have mattered to Neil? Because it didn't. 

He watched as Aaron, Nicky and Kevin piled into the car and drove off, imagining them asking about him, or maybe just Nicky asking, and Andrew blanking him, his face stoic.

His phone buzzed. It was Nicky. He turned it off. 

_(“Nicky?” “Yes dear?” “I'm not a deer...I'm Neil, a fox?” “No- I was just- never mind, what do you need?” “How do you send those faces when you text?” “EMOJIS!!! I thought you'd never ask”)_

He walked back to the dorm, passing the girl’s and Matt’s rooms but managing to avoid the team. He couldn't face them. Not when he knew what he was going to do.

Neil Josten was fading. So he had to be replaced.  
Neil still had a fake ID left, one he hadn't given to the FBI, one he'd never used before. Adam Mural was his escape. He was a bother. He was inconveniencing the people he had once loved. Now he couldn't remember what that felt like.

So he was leaving. Going to Japan.he had never told anyone but Ichirou had offered him another choice, aside from exy.

_( “If you ever come to realise that exy isn't as motivating as killing was to your Father, you'll always have a place in my kingdom. Even by my side, I could do with a pretty face around.”_

_“I don't think that will happen but thanks.”_

_“My offer stands for as long as need be. Soon you will realise, sport and family isn't enough for a Wesninski. Spilling blood is in their blood. I hope to see you soon, Nathaniel.”_

_“My family will always be enough for me, not Wesninski blood” )_

And so Neil found himself doing what he had previously thought unthinkable, packing a bag to leave home and work with Ichirou. To see if he could find a passion for murder now that exy didn't feel the same to him anymore. He had been learning Japanese secretly during the previous year, almost as if he had been waiting for this.

He was losing Neil. He needed to be replaced. Or destroyed. But based on Andrew’s previous experience with suicide, he wasn't quite apathetic enough to do that to him. 

He had a bag packed. Surprisingly it was a quick and easy process. His built in survival instincts had made it simple to separate necessity from luxury. He was leaving a lot behind. More than he'd ever had before. He was abandoning more than items.

He sat on the floor in the lounge, his bag at his side. He took off his fox hoodie, knowing he'd be recognised almost instantly if he took that. Still, letting it go was a bit harder than he'd thought it would be. He picked it up and left it on Andrew’s bed. He didn't leave a note.

_( “Where were you?” “Oh sorry, I went out for a run.” “Next time leave a note.” “okay, Drew. I'll do that always from now on, were you worried?” “Society is in danger whenever you're outside unsupervised.” “Aww you were worried.” )_

He was going to leave. He was. He was just stalling for a bit.

This dorm held so much more to him than any other place in the world. It held family. Safety. Love. Home. 

And that would continue long after he had left. 

Because he had only ever been an outsider, a runaway, a rabbit.

He wasn't needed amongst the foxes. He'd accepted that.

So why was he crying?

_(“Dan, what are your thoughts on Nathaniel’s past and aren't you worried with having a person associated with such a troubling family past like that on your team?” “We will support **Neil** through anything he's been through and will continue treating him with the care and respect we give all our Foxes as he is not defined by his past, just like we all aren’t. We're his family now. So can I get some actual questions on our win tonight?” ) _

He turned on his phone, ignoring the messages he had, even the one from Andrew. He fished out the piece of paper that had the number Ichirou had given him on it. He typed it in. he was about to press call but he hesitated.

He looked around and the place he called home. There were now photos everywhere. Nicky had gotten a camera for Christmas from Eric and now couldn't stop taking them 

_( “Why do you keep taking photos, Nicky?” “This is the happiest I've ever seen us, I've got Eric, Aaron’s got Katelyn and Andrew’s got you. I just wanted to have a reminder of that permanently. Of that happiness. Is that weird? I think that must be weird.” “It's not weird Nicky. It's not weird at all.” ) ___

__He looked at a photo that Nicky had snapped after sneaking up to the roof. It had been a good day, one filled with yes and endless kisses. As the sun set behind them, the picture showed andrew cradling Neil’s cheek, and Neil’s face showing a blinding smile as the stared at each other. The moment was broken after Nicky’s loud “aww” then “Ahhh!” as he ran from Andrew. Neil had framed the photo and hung it up on the wall._ _

__Neil Josten would live in those memories. The memories where he had been relevant._ _

__All good things came to an end._ _

__He looked at his phone._ _

__He pressed the call button._ _

__It started to ring._ _


	2. Like a shadow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Like a shadow
> 
> wherever you go, I'm never far behind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is really short! This just felt like a good transition, I'm still writing right now so the next (and hopefully longer) chapter will be up soon. Until then thank you so much for reading and leaving your lovely comments and kudos! xx

“Nathaniel? I must admit it's unexpected to hear from you so soon, though I'm not surprised. Are you ready to finally admit who you are and stop playing pretend in a place you don't belong?”

Each word further reiterated why Neil - why Nathaniel - was doing this. He couldn't be Neil anymore. Couldn't pretend.

“How soon can you get me to New York?”

“Look outside your window.” 

Sure enough, when Nathaniel drew back the curtain, a sleek non-descript black car was parked at the entrance, waiting for him. It left an unsettling feeling in his throat, he swallowed it down.

“You really think I haven't been keeping tabs on you? You're more clever than that Nathaniel.”

Nathaniel didn't know how to appropriately end the call, “uh- see you,”

“See you... _master_ ”

He could do this. He could do this. He has to do this.

“See you, master”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was thinking of making a playlist? Based on Andreil? I love music and I have so many songs that I believe suit perfectly. Would any of you like a link if I make one? just curious xx


	3. War, inside my mind. I feel too numb, to even mind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quite short and not a lot of plot, but the next chapter is where all the good stuff's gonna happen I swear xx

Nathaniel didn't know what he'd expected when he got in the car. In fact, he didn't have a clue where he was going or what he was going to do. He didn't care anymore.

So he just went wherever the driver was taking him. Apparently that was to an airport. Not the local one, it had been almost 2 hours away. Harder to trace he guessed. 

“There is someone waiting to escort you to the plane.” The drivers voice was monotonous and direct. He didn't look at Nathaniel and as soon as he left the car, clutching his duffel, he drove off. Pleasant. 

As he entered the airport someone a few years older than Nathaniel walked up to him. Her silver hair flowed down to her waist in an ocean of waves and her eyes were cool, calculating, but not cold. Her eyes didn't linger on his scars any longer than the rest of his appearance. She was dressed in all black, casual and menacing. Nathaniel wanted to look away, already being reminded of who he'd left behind.

“Nathaniel, right?”

He nodded, she extended her hand towards him and he shook it briefly, “Cecilia. I will be escorting you to New York. I take it you have a passport with a different name than your current alias, ‘Neil Josten’ ?”

“Yes, I do.” 

“Good, now given your status as a former semi-popular exy player,I suggest you wear your hood up for the rest of the journey, so as to avoid unnecessary ‘complications’.”

She spoke formally, though Nathaniel could tell it was simply an act and not her true personality. He didn't mind her act, if he had he would be a hypocrite. What really stung was the way she said “former” so easily. He'd fought so hard for that opportunity, and it had been easily discarded in less than a day. He'd forgotten how easy it was to shed a life that never really belonged to you.

“Of course,” he replied, pulling up his hood.

He'd never been on a private plane before. It was so… quiet. There was no stewardess, which Nathaniel was thankful for, given that they made him uncomfortable.

Cecilia was sitting in a recliner across from him, her laptop on the desk in front of her. She had her knees under her and looked almost childlike, although, working with Ichirou, she was probably anything but.

She was intently working away for about twenty minutes, as Nathaniel lost time once again and stared blankly at the small window, showing clouds and little else.

_“It’ll be okay, it's such a quick flight and will be over before you know it. And there's like a 99% chance you won't die.”_

_“That statistic is ridiculously inaccurate, shut up Josten.”_

_“Do you want me to stop holding your hand?”_

_“...no.”_

“Nathaniel!”

He jerked up and stared at Cecilia, who was watching him curiously, “Did you doze off or something?”

“Yeah something like that,” he said, straightening up. “I'm fine.”

“Ok, I was just going to ask you some stuff since the work I'm doing is ridiculously boring and we’ve still got 40 minutes left.” She smiled at him with perfect teeth.

“What do you do for Ichirou?” Nathaniel asked.

“Hey, I was going to ask you questions!” she said in mock annoyance, but the smile didn't leave her face. “I'm his personal assistant.”

“How fun, must have been your dream job.” Nathaniel drawled and Cecilia released a short laugh.

“Yeah, I've actually got a masters degree in Computing Science and was doing some serious work in the development of Artificial Intelligence but-I had a debt to Ichirou, something that couldn't be paid in money. I don't regret it, I'd gladly give my life and service to him.”

Nathaniel had known what it was like to be loyal to someone. Truly loyal. He saw it in her. He wonder if she would ever break her word.

“Now, question time for you.” she said, “You got someone special that you left back there?”

“Yeah,” he looked away. “They were all special to me.”

“So why did you leave?”

“They were special before I came. They’d be special after I left. I was an observer, I think I knew deep down I wasn't going to be there forever. I was a piece that didn't fit, and them trying to make room for me was just an inconvenience for both parties.”

_“Movie night!”_

_“Nicky stop hogging the couch, and move your laptop.”_

_“No, Aaron! Erik’s going to watch the movie with us on Skype.”_

_“I thought this was a team event.”_

_“Really? Want me to go into the kitchen and tell Katelyn that?”_

_“Shh! Let's watch the movie.”_

_……._

_“Uh- guys- i'm not sure if I can watch this,”_

_“Why? Oh no, is it cause of the fire?”_

_“No, no, it's just an animation, I'm being stupid,i'm fi-”_

_“Neil Josten, I swear to God if I hear that phrase one more time.”_

_“It's okay Neil, we can watch another movie.”_

_“Yas! Renee, great idea, we can watch Mean Girls.”_

_“What's Mean Girls?”_

_“Josten, honey, just you wait.”_

_“Neil,”_

_“Yeah, Dan?”_

_“If you ever feel uncomfortable with anything, anything, tell us and we’ll help. I promise."_

_“I wouldn't want to be a burden on you”_

_“You will never be a burden on us Neil, never.”_

“I'm sorry to hear that Nathaniel, I really am. However I think you will be welcomed with open arms here . We're all kinds of fucked up, don't get me wrong; We are brutal and merciless but if you're one of ours and you remain loyal to us, you'll never come to any harm.”

“Thank you but I don't miss being a part of that. I don't need to belong anywhere.”

“Sure, keep telling yourself you believe that,” she scoffed. “Everyone has the inherent desire to call someplace home.”

Nathaniel cleared his throat, eager to change the subject, “Do you know what sort of work I’ll be doing for Ichirou?”

“He requests that you call him ‘Master’, sorry kid, don't shoot the messenger. I'll let you off but I'm not sure he'll be as lenient. But job wise as far as I'm aware he wants you as close as he can get. He's coveted you from the beginning, trust me, I know him well enough to tell.”

Nathaniel thought she tossed around the word trust too easily. “So Ichirou...likes me?”

“More than likes. Are you gay?”

Nathaniel choked, “He fancies me?”

“ ‘fancies’, how very British of you. Though I know your Mother’s side is English. Did you not know Ichirou liked you? I thought he made his intentions pretty clear.”

“Most say I'm not good with interpreting what people mean when they say things, I must not be very observant.”

“Bullshit. You could have told me where all the emergency exits were in the airport, yet couldn't tell when the girl at security started flirting with you. You're observant, but only to the things relevant to survival.”

She’d got it so spot on that it scared him, he hadn't thought he was that transparent.

“Don't worry,” she began, as if reading his thoughts. “I'm specially trained in analyzing people. I'll admit, you are subtle. Not undetectable, but subtle nonetheless.”

A moment passed where they couldn't find anything else to say, luckily the captain broke the silence,  
“We will shortly be arriving at John F. Kennedy International Airport shortly, if you would please stay seated with your belt fastened, thank you and hope you had a wonderful journey.”

And just like that he had left South Carolina, the full extent of what he'd done had finally caught up to him. He would never hear Kevin lecture him again. Hear Nicky’s laugh. Feel one of Matt’s hugs. Get his hair cut by Allison. Have a heartfelt conversation with Renee. Get one of those triumphant and encouraging smiles from Dan. Have Aaron mock him in a way that didn't feel insulting anymore.

He would never touch Andrew again.

Nathaniel didn't know how to feel about that.

He was silent until they landed.

Cecilia looked at him, trying to discern his feelings but his face, to her immense surprise, was completely masked and didn't display any emotions.

She wondered if he even had any.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay, a chapter! And an OC? It was bound to happen but I've never actually done a proper OC who's relevant to the plot before. Its weird. Thanks for reading xx


	4. My peace has always depended on all the ashes in my wake

…… (Andrew)........

Andrew hadn't text Neil while they were away in Columbia, because he'd thought that Neil had needed some space and he knew to respect his boundaries. 

_“I'm sorry ‘drew I can't tonight.” “Don't apologize.” “Can I get a hug? Yes or no?” “Yes”_

Despite Neil's absence, everything had been the same. Andrew watched them all get hammered and then they spent the night in the house, shared a quiet, hungover breakfast and left.

 

What changed was when they got back. 

Andrew had a quick look around the apartment and upon seeing Neil wasn't there, went over to the other’s dorm.

“Sorry Andrew, Neil's not here,” Matt had said after opening the door. “Did he not go to Columbia with you?”

Andrew just walked away.

As he checked the roof he called Neil, it rang. And rang.

He checked the court next.

Andrew came back, went to their bedroom. He'd taken the duffel. He hadn't taken his running shoes. Andrew put two and two together. He felt numb.

He went to the lounge where Nicky and Aaron were playing a video game and Kevin was watching exy on his laptop.

“Neil's gone.”

……….(Neil).......

“Nathaniel, it's a pleasure to see you again.”

“And you, master.” Nathaniel bowed his head in greeting.

Ichirou smiled, “I trust Cecilia will ensure you're settled in? I have business to attend to but I'll discuss what you'll be doing here with me in the morning.”

Then he swept out the room, his dark suit and powerful demeanour closing the door behind him. Nathaniel refused to let himself be intimidated.

“Right,” Cecilia started, looking at Nathaniel. “You'll be staying here, with Ichirou and his closest associates, myself included. There are usually more passing by but you'll get to know everyone soon enough.”

Here was a three floored penthouse apartment in the heart of New York, it had a sleek interior that dripped with the millions it must have cost. Cecilia made her way through it as if she was made to live this sort of life. Neil would have felt out of place, Nathaniel felt right at home. They headed towards the stairs while Cecilia vaguely gestured to where everything was, not bothering with too many details. Nathaniel figured he would have time to wander later.

“Ichirou owns the whole building so we all live either here or in the surrounding area. As they say ‘mi casa es su casa’ so help yourself to anything in the kitchen and,” she stopped outside a door. “This is your room. I'm right down the hall so just shout if you need anything. Have a goodnight.” She disappeared down the hall before Nathaniel could respond.

He went into the room. It was massive and offered a tremendous view looking out into New York City, there was a balcony, which Andrew would have appreciated. It was his new place. Shared with people who he didn't know, but would get to know. He wondered if he would ever have a place that belonged to him, without roommates or anything.

_“What's gonna happen when you graduate?” “We'll get a place, somewhere that's our own.” “Who's we?” “You and I, junkie, who else?” “What about getting a cat?” a snort “Sure Neil, we'll get two cats.”_

Nathaniel had never seen New York from so high up, instead had spent his short time here in dingy alleys and motels that took cash and didn't ask questions. It was odd to see how the other half lived. To know that he was the other half now.

He placed his duffel on the king sized bed, taking out his phone. Andrew had called him a few minutes ago, he had put it on silent.

There was nothing on his phone, it was so old that there was no pictures, no wifi and he'd never cared much for games anyway. Yet he couldn't let it go. It clung to him. An escape route. A way back home.

He looked at his contacts. Andrew.

His finger hovered over the call button.

He could still do it.

He could go back. 

He went out to the balcony and threw the phone over, watching it as it dropped some hundred feet down.

 

……… (Andrew)........

“Oh my God, what are we gonna do? Had he been kidnapped? Do you think it was the FBI again? Did you check everywhere Andrew? Did he say anything about leaving? Andrew? Andrew!” 

Andrew left the sound of Nicky’s incessant blabbering behind him, heading to the roof.

He sat at the edge. He got out two cigarettes, then put one back, feeling stupid. He had tried calling Neil again but the number was unavailable now. 

He sat right at the edge, balancing precariously. He could fall at any second. He wasn't afraid.

He wasn't anything.

He wasn't with Neil.

 

……….(Neil)..........

Sleep didn't come easy to Nathaniel. The bed was big and empty. It unsettled him.

Still, despite only about 2 hours sleep, he dragged himself out of bed at 6, heading towards where he thought the kitchen was. 

He found it relatively easy, heading towards the sound of chatter and the smell of coffee.

“So then I was like darling, that earring cost me $30,000, of course you can throw it in the seine!” that was Cecilia. Laughter accompanied that sentence. Nathaniel guessed that he must have missed the vital parts of that story.

What he didn't miss however, was the array of languages he heard being spoken. Snippets of Japanese, French, German, it overwhelmed him. He entered as quietly as he could, not wanting to draw attention to himself.

The room fell silent. Well shit, there went that plan. He offered an awkward wave, cursing himself internally. Thankfully he spotted Cecilia at a white breakfast bar, chatting with a dark haired man who looked slightly older than Nathaniel.

“Morning Nathaniel, did you sleep well?” 

Nathaniel nodded.

“I was going to make coffee, you want some?” another nod. 

“Great! While I make it, get yourself acquainted with Eli.”

She walked off towards the shelves, making coffee while humming to herself. Nathaniel sits down across from ‘Eli’

“I suppose I haven't properly introduced myself, as Cecilia has already done it. My name's Elias, though most call me Eli.” his voice carried a distinct French accent, only fitting given his French sounding name. His eyebrow had a small scar cutting through it, and his sharp blue eyes gave Nathaniel a quick look up and down.

“Nathaniel, most call me-well- Nathaniel.”

“Ah yes, the butcher's heir.”

Nathaniel's stomach tightened. “You knew my father?”

“Of him, never had the good fortune of meeting him, I'm afraid. I'm sorry for your loss.”

Nathaniel scoffed, “Don't be, I'm certainly not.”

With that Eli quirked a scarred eyebrow, “Now that is a story that should be best told at a time other than the crack of dawn on a Monday morning. I look forward to hearing it sometime. Unfortunately, I have matters elsewhere to attend to, therefore I shall be leaving. It was a pleasure to meet you Nathaniel.” 

“And you.” everyone spoke articulately and with a formality that Nathaniel wasn't used to. He supposed he would get used to it soon enough. 

Not long after Eli left Cecilia joined Nathaniel at the breakfast bar, handing him a cup of black coffee that smelt amazing. She was talking to two others that joined them, speaking in rushed Japanese that Nathaniel struggled to keep up with.

One of the men scoffed as he looked at Nathaniel.

“So this is the master's new whore? He doesn't look like much, and with the scars he looks a lot like he just stepped out of a fight that he lost dreadfully. How will he survive us if he can't protect himself from a fucking dashboard lighter?”

“You should see the other guy.” Nathaniel bit back in Japanese, shocking all three of them. “Or what's left of him, that is.”

Cecilia laughed, clapping him in the back, “Well aren't you full of surprises? You're making things round here a lot more interesting.”

_“Stop being interesting” “Stop being interested in me then” “I hate you” “You didn't deny it though”_

“Sadly I'm not here for anyone's entertainment, certainly not the master’s so I would refrain from calling me his whore before I show you what happened to the last guy.”

The man stood up, slamming his hands on the table and making the room to silent, his glare seething. “You seriously think you can threaten me, kid? You can't possibly understand just what you're doing here, playing at being badass when really you're just a scared child with daddy iss-” he cut off with a pained gasp as he looked down at the knife embedded in his hand. Nathaniel laughed, twisting and then removing the knife shoving it back into his armband.

“Whoops.”

The man lunged over the table, reaching for Nathaniel's throat, which Nathaniel easily deflected and flipped the guy over.

_“Renee? Could you teach me how to fight?” “Why would you need to fight, Neil?” “I don't want to feel defenseless, not again, not ever.”_

Nathaniel was ready to stab the guy again, in a much more permanent area but was stopped by an imposing voice,

“What is happening here?”

Ichirou’s presence made everyone alert, even the man on the floor for up and bowed, Nathaniel doing the same. He stood there, dressed in a suit, dark eyes sharp and assessing.

“Master, if I may speak, this imprudent brat-” the man started but was quickly silenced by a gloved hand.

“No you may not speak, and this “imprudent brat” seems to have left you bleeding and on the floor, while you have not managed to harm a single hair on his head which really speaks about your skill in this profession. Now, leave, all of you. And Ross, get that hand checked out, stop bleeding in my kitchen.” 

With that, everyone made for the door, Nathaniel included, heading towards Cecilia.

“Not you, Nathaniel.”

He stopped when Ichirou addressed him, returning back to the breakfast bar, where Ichirou was now sitting. He hovered, unsure of what to do.

“Take a seat.”

“I knew you were an instigator of conflict, still I must admit I thought it would take at least a week before you created any casualties. Glad I didn't put any money on it.”

_“10 bucks Neil will start something during the post-game interview.” “50 says it'll involve some interviewer asking him about the rumors of Andrew.” “Deal”_

“He was underestimating me.”

“Something which, knowing you, should never be done”

Nathaniel wondered, did Ichirou know him? From having him watched? From watching him?

_“Andrew, stop. You wouldn't want to know the real me.” “I know Neil Josten, he's the realest you you can be.”_

“Was there something you wanted to talk to me about?” Nathaniel asked, before quickly adding, “master”

“Yes, there was. You're position here. I trust you know enough to know that what you'll be doing won't be entirely legal.”

“Of course, master.”

“Gaining intel is a vital part of this operation, you will do this for me, using whatever means necessary, understand?”

“Yes master.”

“There is also the matter of your previous situation. You are a somewhat celebrity and will be missed by your team, university and the exy community.”

 _“Am I even worth anything?” “You're nothing” “Exactly” “Nothing means everything to me” “That doesn't make sense.” “Neither do you.” “I thought you were gonna solve me?” “I'm still trying to.”_

That kinda stung but Nathaniel shoved the feeling down. 

“I apologize for that inconvenience sir.”

Ichirou waves his gloves hand, “Nothing that can't be fixed. You will undergo a makeover, receive a new identity. As well as this, ‘Neil Josten’ will be found in a ditch, dead after colliding with a car on the way home from collecting groceries. A tragic hit and run. Couldn't be helped.”

Nathaniel's heart sunk. The foxes would think him dead. Andrew would think him dead. But he knew this was the easier option, it meant that Andrew wouldn't think that he left of his own volition, it was an accident. Couldn't be helped. No one was to blame. The Foxes would mourn him briefly with piece of mind that they wouldn't need to worry about him anymore.

_“You're the heart of this team Neil, I don't know where we would be without you, that's why you're going to be captain.” “Dan, I don't think I'll-” “Shush Neil, don't ruin the moment.”_

“Of course, perhaps you should plant my phone on the body, although it is in pieces at the bottom of this building.”

“I know. My doorman always has an eye on suspicious things. It has already been done.”

“So Neil Josten is dead.” 

“Indeed he is.”

“When can I start, ‘gathering intel.’”

Ichirou smiled.

Nathaniel smiled back.

He didn't feel happy. He didn't feel sad. 

He didn't feel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ha ha, I want to cry. I want more angst but I also want my boys to be happy. Plus I'm actually getting a lot of OC's involved? Which is good for developing my writing but is really weird because I'm not that original? Oh well thanks for reading xx


	5. Isn't it Lovely, All Alone?

……(Andrew).......

Dead.

Neil Josten. Runaway. Rabbit. Striker. Fox. 156%. Abram.

Dead.

A hit and run. A tragic accident. A waste of talent.

Neil had promised he'd stop lying.

He had also promised he'd stop running.

Andrew didn't know what would be worse, Neil dying or Neil betraying Andrew. He scoffed to himself.  
_"Don't ask questions you already know the answers to"_ Any world without Neil is the worst one.

While the rest mourned in the Fox lounge, Andrew was sitting outside, on his 13th cigarette. Bee had been calling him, she was probably on her way over to see him. To try and get him to talk.

Neil is gone. Not dead, but gone nonetheless. 

Andrew looked at his cigarette, how the end of it glowed from the heat.

He pulled his wristband down, exposing his scars to the night air.

He lowered the cigarette, feeling it's firery warmth only a breadth away from his arm. Do it. Do it.  
He stubbed out the cigarette on the ground, and put his head in his hands. He didn't look up and didn't think about anything for an undetermined amount of time.

…….. (Neil)............... (1 month later)

“I'm not a cruel person,” Neil spoke smoothly, whilst elegantly passing his knife from hand to hand, exploring his hands through flourishes and twirls that made the blade look alive.

“I don't want to hurt you, you don't want to be hurt. I'm sure we can figure out another way to deal with this. Any ideas, Wilson?”

Nathaniel stared expectandly at the man tied up in the chair, waiting for an answer. What Nathaniel got was aggresive body movements and spit that almost landed on him. 

“Now that was just plain rude. If you didn't have an idea you could have just said so.” Nathaniel drawled, as if speaking to a child and not a middle aged, slighty overweight man in a crumpled suit.

“Eli,” Nathaniel turned to face his partner, standing in the far corner, observing. “Would you care to offer a contary idea that does not involve me hurting Wilson or Wilson getting hurt?”

Eli scoffed, already used to the way Nathaniel talks, goading the enemy, lying. “He could just answer your questions, without your, oh what do you call them, ‘persuasion techniques’?”

“Yes!” Nathaniel smiled, his face twisted into a facade of happiness consiting of malice and mania. “Brillian idea. So Wilson, how about you tell me where the drugs are being dropped off at, and this building will remain violence and scream free.”

“I would never tell you anything, whore. Ichirou obviously doesn't have good taste, seeing beauty in a face as wretched as yours.”

Nathaniel was silent. The smile vanished and he dropped his head. The man in the chair gave a smug look, believing he had won.

Meanwhile, Eli checked his watch and yawned.

“Just know,” Nathaniel spoke, his voice soft and his face unreadable. “I tried to be nice. We're both going to hate what happens next. You, however, are just going to hate it more.”

Screams filled the air, Eli knew he was gonna be here a while.

Memories did not occur that night, nor did they appear most nights. Nathaniel was in the present, the bloody, violent, empty, present. He didn't feel anything because he didn't want to. It's easier to have no feelings than to have both happy and sad feelings bring you down. He was fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry I haven't been updating and this is really short. I just got out of an inpatient unit after having a slight mental breakdown (nothing to worry about folks, everything is okie-dokie) however I am still finding the motivation to write and I appreciate your patience and thank you for reading xx


	6. Chapter 6

…………… Andrew……………..

 

“You can’t do this to yourself Andrew.”

“Fuck off Kevin”

“Yeah I know, what else is new?” Kevin sat down across from Andrew, sighing heavily. Andrew continued drinking his hot chocolate, this cafe made his favourite.

“He’s not coming back Andrew.” 

Andrew’s fist clenched, as he put his mug down a tad too hard.

“This isn't about him. Don't make it about him.”

“Don't throw away your future. This is beyond dangerous. He wouldn't want that for you.”

“No one fucking knows what he wanted.” 

Kevin opened his mouth to speak again, already irritating Andrew.

He slammed his money on the table and got up, chair clattering behind him.

“No.one.”

He left the cafe. 

 

……...Nathaniel………….

Nathaniel stripped off his blood stained suit, stepping into the steaming shower. The water cascaded down his body, meeting with the blood, intertwining, cleansing. Within a matter of minutes all trace was gone. 

He stepped out, quickly drying his body and going into the bedroom. He was drying his hair when a hand touched the small of his bare back. 

Instantly he grabbed the person by their wrist, twisting it behind their back as he turned around, disregarding his naked state.  
“I love it when you fight back darling.” 

Nathaniel dropped the wrist, smiling. “Master.”

Ichirou smirked, wrapping his hand around Nathaniel’s waist once more.

“Messy night you had?” 

“Don't you know it.”

“I liked that suit on you, you know.”

“Don't you like me better like this? Because i'll go and put on some clothes right now if you wa-” 

He was cut off as Ichirou pulled them to the bed.

“Such a tease”

“Only for you master.”

And Ichirou got to work.

Nathaniel stared at the ceiling.

He didn't know why, but his mind kept drifting. Ichirou had never asked his consent. It was assumed, and although it was a correct assumption, there was a silence where it's presence belonged.

_(Yes or no?)_

 

The next morning saw Ichirou sleeping as Nathaniel crept out the room, careful not to wake him.

He walked to the kitchen, nodding acknowledgement to the very few people who were up at this time.

Cecilia was sitting at the counter, her coffee and his on the table. She smiled, “Morning gorgeous, what a pleasant smile you have.”

“Hardy har,” Nathaniel scowled at her, but took the coffee with a wordless thanks.

As soon as he sat down, Cecilia shifted in her chair and Nathaniel pounced. 

“What is it now?” he asked.

She sighed in frustration, “How are you better at reading people than me? Bitch.”

“You have obvious tells.”

“Shut up,” she pushed him lightly.

“Seriously, what is it?”

“It's your new assignment.”

“With Eli?”

“Nope. solo.”

“Then what’s the problem? You know I prefer to work solo anyway.”

“You're not going to like the target.”

Nathaniel scoffed. “Good, makes it easier to interrogate and or kill them.”

“It’s a Fox.”

His blood when cold as his heart contracted into his chest. He closed his eyes. 

“Who?” he dared to ask.

He knew the answer. He knew the only person to get involved in this shit.

And yet he still wanted to cry when he heard;

“Andrew Minyard.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanna cry. hope you enjoy, understand if you don't but thanks anyway for giving me the time of day xxx


	7. Decide whether the price is worth the prize

………..(Andrew)................

“About time we start talking, eh?”

Crack. Bones crunching made a very satisfying sound.

Andrew cracked his knuckles, preparing to hit the guy again when, “Fine!” the man strapped to the chair gasped out. “I'll tell you when the shipments coming.”  
Andrew listened as the man went through the plans, this was a win. Meticulously, Andrew asked all the right questions, storing the information. Until finally, he knew everything he had to know.

“I’ve told you everything I know, please.”

Andrew’s fist tightened. “I agree, you've told me everything. I was all set to let you go. Then you just had to keep talking.”

Andrew lifted the gun from the table.

“I give you a gift a lot more merciful than what the Moriyama’s would have given you.” He raises the gun.

As the man went to open his mouth, no doubt to plead for his life, Andrew shot him in the head. He instantly slumped, and the blood pooled.

“I fucking hate guns.”

“We're not unnecessarily cruel, Doe.” Nathaniel’s uncle Stuart as he pushed himself off the wall he was leaning on, hidden from sight. “A knife wouldn't do the job as quick and you know it.”

“Still,” Andrew flashed him a grin. “Ain’t have as fun.”

“Quit the bullshit, you haven't enjoyed anything from the minute you got here. Why don't you just go home Andrew? Get a job, buy a house with a garden, grow old or whatever normal people do these day.”

“Do you need me at the gala tonight?” Andrew asked, face stoic.

Stuart sighed. “Yes, see you there. Gather as much information as you can. There’s gonna be a lot of high profile people there, all the dirt you can find.”

Andrew laughed humourously, “If they're rolling in it, I'll smell it, don't you worry boss.”

He went to leave the room, sliding his knives up his sleeves and leaving the gun, before Stuart spoke again.

“There's rumours that some of the Moriyama higher up’s are gonna be there. No distractions tonight, okay?”

Andrew gave him a two fingered salute, not looking back as he left.

 

…………. (Nathaniel)...............

“Well, you like it don't you?” Ichirou asked, as he watched Nathaniel pick up the suit.

“It’s gorgeous, you shouldn't have.” Nathaniel looked back at Ichirou, smiling playfully.

“Anything for my right hand man. Plus, you need to look good for tonight.”

“Tonight?”

“You don't remember? The charity gala, you're my date. Honestly, I need to get you a calendar.” Ichirou laughed, kissing Nathaniel’s cheek.

“Ha, yeah. I remember now.”

“I’ve got to get back to work but I'll see you tonight yeah?”

“Stay master, come to bed.” Nathaniel pouted, and then bit his lip.

Ichirou groaned, “You'll be the death of this company with a body like that. I've really got to get to work though. Goodbye baby.”

Once he left the room, Nathaniel counted to 100 in French, to ensure Ichirou was clear out of earshot then quickly left the room.

He walked across the hallway, then as he reached Cecilia’s door knocked loudly.

She opened it after a moment, casting him a curious look. “What? Get bored of your sugar daddy?”

“Cee, you literally make his schedule you know he's out.”

“Yeah but you seem determined to make him miss all his appointments you bitch,” she spoke playfully.

“As much as I love your flirting Cecilia, we need to talk.”

“Fine, come on in.” she opened the door wide, letting him enter.

She was dressed in a silk black robe, which Nathaniel took to mean he’d probably interrupted something. Once he saw a girl and guy on the bed, he knew he'd interrupted something. He threw them an awkward wave and Cecilia laughed.

“Don't worry about them, they'll keep each other company, won't you loves?” She walked towards her study, “We’ll talk in here, wouldn't want to get distracted.”

Once they were in and seated on the leather couch, Cecilia changed her attitude and got concerned.

“I didn't say anything back there but you look shook up, and you were getting really good at masking the emotions. It's the first time I've seen you like this since, well, since I first met you. What's happened?”

“The gala is tonight.”

“Shit man, I completely forgot about that, still Ichirou must have got you something nice to wear so you'll be fine.”

“I've heard Stuart’s crowd will be there,” Nathaniel emphasised, hoping he wouldn't have to say his name.

“Yes, I know. He can't see you.”

“I know that, it isn't time to get rid of him yet and if he knows where I am it could fuck the whole operation up. You need to get him away.”

“How am i gonna do that, threaten him?”

Nathaniel scoffed, “You don't know him like I do, he won't give a shit if you threaten him. Ask him how Aaron’s doing. Or if he's visited Germany recently.”

“What a devious bitch you are,” Cecilia laughed. “What am I even trying to get him to do?”

“Back out of the game. Completely. Tell him to walk away and nothing will happen.”

“You realise it's going to be harder than just quitting, we all know this business doesn't exactly end with a resignation letter. Plus, you're just trying to get out of killing him aren't you? Going soft on us Nat, for this blast from the past. Ichirou wouldn't like knowing you're trying to save your ex’s ass.”

“Cecilia,” Nathaniel was almost pleading.

“You know I won't tell him.” Nathaniel let out a breath he didn't realise he was holding.

Cecilia stood walked him to the hallway, passing the two kissing on the bed.

“Now, I’ve got some business to take care of, which you rudely interrupted,” Cecilia said with a grin, going to close the door

Nathaniel placed his hand on her shoulder, “Thanks for this.”

She shook her head, “You owe me.”

She shut the door.

You owe me.

No one does anything for nothing here. Cecilia was no exception.

Nathaniel wouldn't call the feeling emerging in his stomach loneliness, knowing that if he named it, it would make it real.

So he pushed it down and returned to his room.

_(“All my life, I've always thought about moving, going, leaving everything behind. I think this is the first time I don't want to do that.” “I told you to stay, didn't I junkie?” )_

That was the first memory he thought of in a while, it made the feeling he would not name even worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks everyone for your continued support with this fic, I really appreciate it xx


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